My spirit is overwhelmed with the lessons God has been pressing into my heart lately. To be honest it's been more of a digging out of my heart as I have been challenging God to a wrestling match of surrender. But I cannot ignore the presence of Almighty God in my life and the moving of His Spirit which engulfs me. As He digs out my pride, He plants humbleness. He roots out my selfness and replaces it with contentedness. When His Spirit blows out the dust of my lonely places, He fills it with desire for the eternal. It's been a process of submission, brokeness, and sweet surrender.
It's no secret that we have moved a lot. While I would go in obedience and try to fulfill whatever God had planned for us, there has always been a part of my heart so homesick that if I allowed myself to curl up in that dark corner, my spirit would give up and depression would envade. So I built a wall. Don't think about home. Don't let people get too close, I might have to say goodbye, again. In the last month there were concerns for Matt & I as to whether we were going to stay in Florida. Then a radio station close to home contacted Matt about an opening. Matt decided that we would stay in Florida; God wasn't done with us here. The race may be difficult, but we will run it with endurance. My carefully constructed wall crumbled and every selfish, angry emotion cried to go home. I belive my exact words to God were, "I have done everything You have asked me to. When do I get what I want? When is it enough? What about me?" Rather than striking me with lightening, His reponse was a gentle whisper.
"I know you. I created you. I have placed eternity
in you. What you really crave is me."
He has determined my pre appointed times & boundaries
of my dwelling, so that I shall
seek the Lord and in hope grope for Him and find Him...
for in Him we live and move and have our being.
Acts 17:26b-27, 28a
I'd like to say my attituded changed and I bowed in willing & joyful obedience. Remember I said it's been a process for me. It was more like grudgingly submitting. To finalize the deal, hehe, we started house hunting. My tantrum continued because there wasn't a house out there that fit what I deemed necesary for me. If I was going to live in this place, then the least you could do is give me the house of my dreams.
"I know you. I created you. I have placed eternity in you.
What you really crave is heaven."
In My Father's house are many mansions; if it were not so,
I would have told you.
I go to prepare a place for you.
We fought for a week over one house and finally put in an offer only to loose it to a cash buyer. What the heck, Lord!!! I submit and it still doesn't work out.
Then comes the moment God reveals Himself & His plan. We put in an offer on another house yesterday. It was accepted this afternoon. Here's the cool part. This sweet little family we are buying the home from are being relocated due to work. They have only owned the home for the last 13 months and didn't plan on the move. Man, does that sound familiar! Because Matt & I understand their situation we want to share our story with them and send them on their way with a little extra blessing. It dawned on me, what if the only reason Jesus had me staying in Florida was to buy this house and share His love with these people? I am humbled beyond belief that despite my pride & selfishness the Lord would use me in His plan. To say I cried would undermine the amount of emotion that poured out in Sweet Surrender.
This life, here today, really isn't about the present. It is about the eternal. We were created by an eternal God, for an eternal relationship. When we truly understand this concept the house, the job, even how we spend our day takes on new meaning and there is a shift in our focus. He wants us to be aware of His kingdom in each moment of our day, because...
He knows you. He created you. He has placed eternity in you.
What you really crave is a relationship with Him.