It's been a year. Every time I tried to sit and put words to my heart's cry, my mind would fail. I could not dialogue the secrets being written on my soul. It will have to be a slow pouring over time. The words will come and then I will share my lessons with you.
But for now, my heart in this moment...Obedience.
We are moving. Again. How many times have I written about change? I had grown accustomed to the cycle. Learned to cope with the emotions. But this time is different. We've been here the longest. This had become home. I had finally settled. I learned to dig deeper, step out of my comfort zone farther and open up even more.
Back in February, our church was doing a series on Nehemiah that posed the question, "what was God building in you and using you to build?" At the time, we had just received word that they were selling the radio station and Matt would be out of a job. For me warning bells rang; no job meant moving for a new one. Building. I had been building. I was leaning into what I thought God had for me and my walls crumpled with one conversation.
I have struggled with the process of answering these questions while Matt looked for work and we prepared our hearts for the coming change. I have been hurt. I have been angry. In one desperate prayer I cried out, "Don't You know what this does to me? A part of me dies every time." His reply stopped me, "I know. It's supposed to."
Now to some that may sound harsh, but in that moment the truth of it actually soothed my soul. The Holy Spirit began to pour scripture over me...
Luke 9:23 - And He was saying to them all, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must take up his cross daily and follow Me."
Galatians 2:20 - I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me: and the life which I live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself up for me.
John 12:24 - Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.
I cannot become more like my Savior if I hold on to me, my dreams and wants. Tightly gripped hands make it impossible to reach out. I must die to myself. That's a hard pill to swallow. Obedience isn't about feel good emotions. Obedience is hard. Obedience sometimes hurts. But when it doesn't feel good, I know that God is good. That's what we were created for; His will and purpose. Does it make this move easier? Perhaps not, but it makes me cling to His promise that He will complete His good work in me. My sanctification will continue and I can keep moving forward in joy.
It can be the same for you. Whatever journey the Lord has set before you, despite the struggle, can be one of victory through obedience.